Thursday, February 17, 2011

Just Cuz They Make It In Your Size, Doesn't Mean You Should WEAR it.

So a group of us went to the Heat v Pacers game the other night.  It's been a LONG time since I've been at a basketball game and it was TONS of fun.  At first it seemed like the pacers were going to get blown away as the score at the end of the 1st quarter was something ridiculous- like 17 to 43.  Luckily, they came back and made it a really good game- only losing by a little bit at the end.  D-Wade had a great night, Lebron is still a tool and Bosh looks like an avatar alien to me.

When we were walking over to the arena, this couple was in front of us.  Homegirl about busted it in the street twice because she couldn't walk in the heels that she crammed her feet in to. It was VERY difficult to NOT laugh at her.  I mean, come on- you know me.  Of COURSE I'm talking about her when she's like 3 steps in front of us.  But honestly, she deserved it.  I think the guy she was with was even laughing at her. 

So inside we go, where Kim hooked us up (SHOUT OUT!) with tickets that granted us access to a reception in the practice facility.  There was food and drink and raffles (I won PANTS!) and cute kids running around playing ball and getting their faces painted.  Once the game started we made our way up to our seats...... where we were engulfed by... "them".....

Now- I get it.  Girls want to look cute.  I want to look cute when I go out too.  I'm not trying to be a hater because some of these girls actually look good.  Like if I was getting all dressed up for the club- I'd want to look like them.  But I just don't understand how some of these girls think that they are cute with the tragedies that they are wearing. Clearly, they have no friends.  Because if I was their friend, I wouldn't let them out of the house looking the way they look.  My phrase for these girls is "She's looking for a husband tonight."  You KNOW what I'm talking about.  These are the girls that wear 4 inch hooker heels, jewelry on every inch of their bodies, tops that I'm fairly certain they are duct taped into, the OVERLY done make-up like they are hitting the pole later and jeans that they must have jumped off of a 7 story building to squeeze in to- they are so tight.  But it's the ones that CLEARLY don't fit into the clothes that just kill me.  An old co-worker used to say "Nothing like trying to squeeze 20 pounds in to a 10 pound bag."  This explains it PERFECTLY.  There's a LOT of spillage.  We all have those days where we get a little muffin top or arm pitty titties hanging over our bras.  But COME ON.  When you are clearly NOT a size 6 and you are cramming all your jiggly parts into a 6 there's a problem.  It just doesn't work.  It's physically impossible.  I'm pretty sure we learned about it in science class.  Maybe you think if you push the rolls around to the back or up into your bra or heaven forbid downwards- that it will make it look like the outfit really fits you.  IT DOESN'T!  You are STILL cramming into an outfit that is 3 sizes TOO SMALL for you.  Beth says, "No mother, no mirror, no friends" to describe these girls. 

Clearly, these girls didn't sit down to watch any of the game because there would be some ripping, unzipping, buttons popping, ribs breaking.... I could go on forever.  Have you ever worn pants that you think you fit into because they zipped (because you laid down on the bed and sucked in as much as possible and it took 20 minutes because you could only zip 5 teeth at a time)?  Then you tried to sit down in them?  IT'S PAINFUL people!  You are squishing your organs inside!  You are causing internal bleeding! OK I'm exaggerating a little bit- but seriously!!

When I was in middle school, I wanted to go out shopping for a new bathing suit.  At that age (when I was on the "skinnier" side) I thought I'd get my first bikini.  So off to the Berkshire Mall I went.  I don't remember which store it was, but there were racks and racks of bikinis.  All different colors, prints, and... SIZES!!!!  Even at that age- I knew they shouldn't make bikinis in most some of those sizes.  If they had to attach a skirt around the bottoms to hide your gunt- you shouldn't wear them.  If they look like Granny Panties- you shouldn't wear them.  If you can't see the straps on your back because your rolls are covering them, you shouldn't wear them.  Ever since this experience, I've vowed to myself to make sure that I never put myself in outfits that will cause people to make fun of the way that I make fun of these people.  I mean who wants THAT humiliation?

I know that I'm no fashion guru by any means.  Shit- nowadays my idea of getting dressed up is putting on something OTHER than sweats and a t-shirt.  But I can make a pair of jeans, sparkly flats and a cute top look a HELL of a lot better than spandex lycra Rave clothes (you know you remember that store). 

I am asking you to take this pledge with me, my followers.... (ooooh I like how that sounds... "My followers).  Vow that if you know a girl like this, that you will tell her (in a nice way if possible) that she does not look good in that outfit when she asks.  If you work in retail, you tell her that the size she is trying to buy does not fit her and don't sell it to her.  If you have a key to her apt/house, you will secretly go in while she is at work and steal all of these clothes from her (I will not bail you out of jail if you actually get caught doing this but I will give you a major shout out on the next post!)... whatever it takes.  Because we, as a society, should not be exposed or subjected to this travesty any longer... say it with me people... come on now...

At one point when we were walking back to our seats- I spotted a fire engine red fauxhawk on one of the above mentioned chicks.  I turned to Kim and Lauren and started singing Katy Perry's "Peacock" to which they looked at me like I had 4 eyes.  If you haven't heard that song- OMG you are missing out.  "I wanna see your peacock, cock, cock...You're peacock, cock..."  It's a staple on my workout playlist. Give it a month- it'll be the next hit off of her CD- although like Cee Lo's "Fuck You" it'll probably have a lot of bleeps or the words will be rearranged so that it's no longer the song.  But it's A-MAZING.  There's this Asian girl who choreographed a dance to it and it's on Youtube- check it out.  She's a frickin ridiculous dancer.  I'd like to see Katy actually use her in the video when she shoots it.  Sorry, I saw something shiny there. 

Anyway- til next time.  I'm going to do my next post on how obnoxious I am in public.  I know- it's hard to imagine.  But Lauren will attest to this.  I try to embarrass her whenever we go out together.  Good times.  For me.  Clearly. 

Now, I'm off to the gym.  It's 60 degrees outside people.  Do you know what that means?  Bikini season is just around the corner!!!!

Below is the link to the video of Sheryl Murakami doing Peacock for those of you who've asked.


  1. First...I appreciate the shout-out! Second, Bosh looks like a dinosaur to me. I completely agree...fauxhawk chick was wearing paint on her legs. There is no way those were jeans, leggings, or gosh forbid jeggings...that was quite clearly paint. Because that tight is just not natural.

  2. 1. Berkshire Mall....REALLY?

    2. You do enjoy trying to embarass me, but I just end up ignoring you these days.

    3. In reference to Kim's comment- HAHAHA and NO ONE SHOULD EVER WEAR JEGGINGS OR PAJAMA JEANS! (unless you are 12 or under).

    And 4. HAHAHA to everything you said above.

  3. I think you need to sneak a picture and post it next time!


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