Thursday, March 31, 2011

How Pretty and what a PITA.

Well people. I’ve completely lost it. Not sure how I bought something from a store 2 hours away without measuring first. I was completely blinded by all of the glitz and glamor apparently, that I just ignored all of the warning sirens going off in my head and blindly tossed (ie. gently placed) the chandelier in my cart without looking at the dimensions. Silly silly girl. I mean, I ALWAYS have a measuring tape in my purse (obsess much?) because I never know when I will see something and need to measure to make sure it’ll fit. And by stating that fact, I should also say that I have a list of sizes of walls, entry ways, ceilings, nooks, etc . just “in case” I should see something while I am out as well in my purse. I seriously am weird. At least I don’t carry around my paint chips in my purse like some people I know WENDY

So I was all excited yesterday when I got home because I was going to install the chandelier in my laundry room. I turned off the breaker (safety first, people) and got out the ladder (realized that I just need to get a step stool for smaller projects cuz this ladder is a bitch to cart around) and began the process of taking off the current hideous light fixture that came with the house. GAG. What is it with home developers and picking out the most obnoxiously ugly furnishings ever? I really should look into one of them hiring me on a part-time basis. I could totally make blah boring houses so pretty to buyers. And then they wouldn’t have to spend hundreds OK maybe thousands of dollars in their first two years of living at brand new house switching out 80’s brass light fixtures, door handles, and linoleum. Just sayin. The light came down extremely easy as it should since I’ve done this about 17 times already so I got off the ladder and went to grab Miss Pretty. I had already shortened her cord and pried off the chain connecting the top of the chandelier to the actual light fixture- which left just a “short” brushed nickel rod encasing the cord between the two. I gently bring her over to the ladder and start the installation process. Now- I’m usually REALLY good at detecting things like this. But I must have been blinded by her sexy sparkle. Cuz I hang the entire light, step down from the ladder and realize that she is literally hanging at eye level to me. Ummmmmm. Huh? How’d that happen? 

 Don’t mind the fugly unfinished garage. She’ll soon be painted hot pink. I’m kidding... or am I?

This wouldn’t be a problem if she were hanging over the washer and dryer because I would never smack my head into her. BUT the light socket is in the middle of the room which in turn, is in the middle of the walkway from the garage to the kitchen which in turn, is directly in my path. DAMMIT. After very pleasantly screaming MUTHA FUCKA!! and then laughing at myself for a) screaming profanities at a light fixture and b) not realizing this was going to happen, I climbed back up on the ladder and unhooked her. WAH. Again- can’t make anything simple, can you Kristi? So I have 2 options here. I can leave it as is and swag her over the washer/dryer and get a hook and screw it in the ceiling to hold her in place there. Sounds all good right? Simple? Easy peasy? Yup totally would have been- if I hadn’t REMOVED THE UGLY CHAIN LINKS ALREADY! ARGH. I guess the good news is that I didn’t cut the cord that I had shortened at that point (plus one for Kristi and utilizing zip ties). Or my other option would be just to eliminate the “short” rod connecting the two pieces. While this may sound easy- it would mean literally taking the entire light apart and then trying to find a really teeny tiny piece to connect them back together at a hardware store because that piece is the piece that hooks the entire chandelier to the socket. Of course it is. YAY for another trip to Lowe’s. I swear- I should just buy stock. Maybe get back some of the small fortune that I have spent there already. 

So having zero assistance from Mr. Lowe's guy, I buy a hacksaw and decide that I'm going to cut the rod.  Let's just call this idea #1.  

TA DA!!!!!!

OK so now I'm feeling kinda cocky.  This is SOOOOOOO gonna work.  I'm totally proud of myself. I get back up onto the ladder, hang Miss Pretty and go back down the ladder to admire my geniusnous.  

Well the good news is that SHE WORKS!!!!!  The bad news is that she's still too low and I will still hit my head when walking through the hallway.  UGH.  Back to the circuit breaker I go.  Just out of frustration I rip the WHOLE LIGHT APART....yes.... and take off the rod that I just so geniusly cut as well as the cap at the top.  I just hook her onto the socket by the ring at the top of the actual fixture.  And left her there for an hour.  I needed to walk away and count to 3600. 

Chandy.  Oh- and I get some Gorilla Glue cuz this bitch is going up and NOT coming down.

Well, gorilla glue apparently works on everything besides plastic and my ceiling.  GODDAMNMUTHAFUCKINBITCH!!  And I'm sure you are looking at the cap going, "How's that going to work?"  Right?  Well, here comes genius idea #3 and beer number 1.  Items needed:  box cutter, double sided carpet tape, patience, and 2 (alright 3) York Peppermint patties.  The box cutter works like a charm (should've just gone with that to begin with).  I cut out the width of the ring at the top of Chandy and then cut out a circle right next to that for the cord.  Then I slid the cap (face down) through the cord and push it onto the ring.  Then I re-attached the wires to the socket, hooked her to the mount and went back over to the breaker to see if she still worked after all of my "altering."  Annnnnnnnnnnd........Here's what she looks like now!!

Isn't she LOVELY?????  You can't tell from these pictures but the cap isn't flush to the ceiling.  So at some point I'll need to figure out how to actually attach it to the medallion (caulk anyone?) so that it looks like one piece.  But I'm obsessed.

Awwwww so sexy.  Let's just hope that no one any taller than me walks through the garage as they might just have to duck a little bit.  But fuck it.  She's BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!

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