Sunday, April 3, 2011

I'm A Celebrity, baby. (And just a little bit delusional)

Did you ever think growing up that you were going to be famous one day?  For me, it was like a daily occurrence.  I had this idea of myself from an early age that I was going to make it big (in lord knows what) and I was going to be rich and on the cover of magazines.  Of course it would only be for good stories, not ones involving my girly bits being shown in public or stealing jewelry when I clearly had enough money to pay for it.  I would be best friends with Britney Spears (you KNOW I totally wouldn't have let her go bat shit crazy and shave her head or, for that matter, marry K-Fed).  And I would be the only woman to tame the latest Hollywood bachelor.  But I digress.

See what I'm talking about?  Slightly delusional.  At first, I was going to be an Olympic ice skater.  I remember sitting on my living room floor watching the girls on their skates and I thought- I want to be like her.  It didn't help that one of the best US skaters at that time had the same name as me.  Or that one of my friends parents used to call me Yami (Yamaguchi), which only helped me in this dream.  I was fortunate enough to take ice skating lessons (thanks to my mother for teaching the other skaters warm-ups so that I could skate for free) and be in an ice show.  I'm pretty sure I was a Dutch milk-maid- NOT my idea of a video montage looking back at the beginning of my career when I was the feature story years later with Bob Costas, going for my 3rd gold medal win.  Plus I get wicked motion sickness, so there go all of the points on spins that I would lose.  And there ended that dream.



My next dream was that I was going to be a professional singer.  I was in chorus growing up and one year three of us were selected to perform a solo in one of the holiday concerts.  Standing in the Drury HS auditorium, on the same stage that I had my dance recitals every year, I realized that I actually wasn't THAT great.  I mean, I was good.  But not amazing.  These were the days where they didn't "mold' cute little girls into singers based solely on the fact that they were cute and had OK voices (Taylor Swift).  Because if that was the case, I'd be triple platinum, bitches.  I also realized then and there that I have a severe case of stage fright (like I get all splotchy and nauseous and shit).  As much as you might not believe me right now, I do NOT like being the center of attention.  I happily sit back and let all of my friends take on that role.  I'm totally cool hanging out in the background.  This only changes after a significant amount of alcohol is involved and I inevitably end up as the lead singer for Rock Band (Journey has NOTHING on me!).  I still think sometimes while busting out a song in my car that I missed my calling though.  Because anyone can be a great singer if you turn the radio up loud enough to drown your own voice out. 

I wanted to be an actress at one point but it was already geeky enough to be in band (and the drama people in my school weren't normal geeks- they were WEIRD geeks) .  So I never made the attempt to be in the drama club.  Plus if I had made it big- I more than likely would have been completely type-casted as the 'best friend role" (Judy Greer) or the bitch role in every flick.  No America's Sweetheart here, people.  Plus I don't think I could take acting very seriously.  That's a little too fake for me.  I don't think I'd die very gracefully. 

So I sit here watching yet another awards show (in my sweats, having not showered today, eating a bowl of ice cream) realizing that I still have this big disappointment for it not being me up there on the stage collecting my award and having a hilarious yet humble speech.  I should be on the red carpet in a sparkly dress with my hair done and wearing LOTS of gaudy beautiful loaned diamonds.  I totally picture Ryan begging my publicist for an interview with me and Joan putting me on the best dressed list for my risk taking pop of color that I wore strutting down the walkway.  

I realized a long time ago that the reason that I never became the celebrity of my dreams was not that I wasn't "good enough" it was that I really didn't have the passion for that particular dream of the moment.  With that being said, for the last 10 or so years, I've imagined myself writing a book.  And unlike all of the other dreams before of becoming famous, this one I actually have the desire to do.  And I'm pretty sure that this dream doesn't have an age limit (OMG could you totally picture me as a pop star at this age?  Or better yet, an ice skater??  I shudder at the image of me in spandex).  I've had numerous people tell me that I would be a fantastically hilarious author and boy- do I have some stories to tell!!!  I never imagined that I would ever get published though because my editor would tell me that I had to take out all of the swears and I would never allow that.  I mean, that's my schtickmake her my best friend. 

So this blog here is my way of starting the process.  It may take me years to actually put words to paper.  I may never get published even if I do write something.  Who knows- I may never write anything other than this blog.  But if (when) I do, I already have my "special thanks" page done.  It may or may not go a little something like this, "Fuck you, bitches!!! I'm famous and you're still working at Friendly's!!  With a perm!  How do you like dem apples?"

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