Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Party in the U.S.A.

Did you all watch Dancing with the Stars last night? I’m not quite sure what the deal is this season, but what’s up with all the lame ass themes they are doing? I get it. They are on their 12th season so they are trying to “spice” things up a bit. But my idea of “spicing things up” isn’t watching the pairs grind to God Bless America. If anything could be less “American” it would be a Latin dance to “Sweet Home Alabama.” You guys know I love me some Ralph Macchio. But what was up with the mom-jeans he was wearing? I don’t think I’ve seen a guy look any more awkward than him in denim. And ABC, please don’t ever consider Miley Cyrus as the definition of American or put her in the same company as Sinatra and/or Elvis again. While I understand that you are owned by Disney trying to keep the younger audience, that’s completely delusional of you think that “Party in the USA” was anything other than a 2010 gay summer anthem. No seriously- it was. YouTube it. The gays love it. There’s like 10,000 versions of the video up there.  And I can totally say that (all of you that just gasped at your computer screen.   "Like, OMG, she totally did NOT just go there.") because I, too, was a 2010 gay summer anthem.  

Chris Jericho is my new 2nd place favorite. Kirstie will always be my number one. But seriously- how funny is he? I remember watching all those faux wrestling matches he was in (not by choice- they performed at my old arena like 67 times in my tenure there.  Oh and to all of you super douchebags wrestling fans, I was actually in one of there stupid skits that they aired during the match.  LAME-O) and you don’t ever see their personalities. I always thought they were a bunch of meat heads who got paid to wear tights because they couldn’t make it in any other professional sport and are too childish to get real jobs. But this dude is FUNNY. He was spot on with his impersonation of Len. Hilarious. He was on the local radio station here this morning and said that he loves hanging out with Kirstie because she is so much fun. Another reason why I like him. 

But can we talk about Maks for a second here? Wait. Give me a minute. I need to slow down my racing heart after seeing him ripping his shirt off. Hot Damn. It should seriously be a contractual obligation that he go shirtless or strip in the dance every week. I have no idea how Kirstie dances with him without having a heart attack. I seriously would have to be restrained because I’d want to lick his chest every time I came in contact with it. (You know what I mean.  Like, start at the navel and SLOOOOOOOOOWLY move my tongue up, finishing at the tip of his chin..... No?  Just me?).  Well, that and a whole lotta other things too. Yum. He’s my kind of sexy. Remember when he was such a dick in previous seasons? He really seems to be having a lot of fun lately. I wish him and Erin Andrews had stayed together. That would have been some serious sexy right there. Their Argentine Tango was A-Mazing. When she jumped off the stage and he caught her over his shoulders (a la crotch in the face)? Ridiculous. Everyone else on the show can go home (especially Kendra- ugh Kendra- don't even get me started) because I bet the same number of people would tune in every week just for Maks. I heard that he was doing the Russian version of The Bachelor. Man, I wish I was born in that communist country right now. Thanks a lot Mom and Dad. Geez. Cuz you KNOW if I was, I would totally rock a reality TV show. OMG could you imagine? The manipulation? The back stabbing? The making out? Sounds like a normal Tuesday night to me.  I have a couple of friends in the industry who keep telling me I should live my life with a camera crew following me. I’ve already given one of them the rights to it though. So sucks to be the rest of you. He’s gonna make millions. As will I. And I might remember a few of you when they film my E! True Hollywood Story. Might.

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