When I was in college in Miami, I worked for my friends’ ticketing company. We would run a lot of events throughout the year- but one of my favorite events was the Sony Ericsson Open held in Key Biscayne. The vibe around that event was always something spectacular and it was the one time a year that I imagined that I could be this posh, wealthy person that hangs out at tennis events with the rich and European. And then I’d wake up and look at my checking account balance and be immediately smacked back into reality. Good times.
It didn’t help that I had a total crush on the guy who ran the event. Ahhh, Charles. Side note: My friend Matt always tried to embarrass the shit out of me wherever we were. He found out that I had a huge crush on Charles and after I tried to embarrass him in front of this hot chick one day, he totally blurted out in front of everyone (including Charles) that I totally had the hots for him. I played it off and made it look like he didn’t just put me on blast (and I certainly didn’t deny it to Charles when he looked at me!), but I was completely mortified. Thanks Matt!! Love ya!! Anyways- I worked this event about 3 or 4 times before I had a brief hiatus in New Hampshire. When I moved back to Miami we always had craptastic Disney On Ice the same time as the tennis tournament so I never got to go.
The last year that I was living in Florida, Joel came down to visit and we had tons of fun that week!! One of the things that we were able to do was go to this tournament (thank you DOI for being the week prior). I called up Charles (swoon) and asked him if he could hook me up with some tickets, which he totally obliged (AKA he totally wanted to jump my bones). We headed down to Key Biscayne (which is an island off of Miami and the only way on/off is a bridge… necessary info for rest of the story) and watched hours of tennis. We walked around the grounds and sat out in the sun, working on our tans for a little bit. Once the main stadium opened, we went inside where we had tickets in the front row in one of the boxes (hells yes!) and watched Andy Roddick and one of the Williams sisters in their respective matches. I’m pretty sure that Andy kept checking me out too, by the way. Had nothing to do with the fact that every time he hit the ball, I groaned in pleasure watching him, yelling “Awwwww yeah, come to mama!!”
After the event was done we booked it out of there because like I said above- it was one bridge to get all the traffic off the island. And if you didn’t hightail it out of there, you were stuck in traffic for hours. And thanks to my parking pass, we were right at the stadium so we could get into our car and off the island faster than anyone else could. The main road off also has a bunch of public beaches that people were also leaving at the same time. We got stopped at a light and out of the corner of my eye, I see two blobs of color come whipping out of one of the public beach exits and flew onto the road that we were on. Side note 2: One thing you need to know about Miami. Whenever tourists came into town, they felt the need to impress. They would rent luxury vehicles and drive up and down South Beach thinking that they were cool in their bright yellow Lamborghinis. Most of these people couldn’t even spell the name of the car they were renting but I digress. So out come these two overpriced “I have a small dick” cars in front of us (it had recently sprinkled so the ground was a leeeeeeetle bit slippery…do you see where I’m going with this???) and the guy driving the red Lamborghini gunned it as he was still turning out of the beach road…..No sooner do I get “These assholes are going to cause an accident” out of my mouth than red car idiot starts fishtailing and loses control of his car. Note to any of you who may want to attempt said tourist crap- when the car is known for going 0 to 100 in .2 seconds- it ACTUALLY GOES 0 to 100 in .2 SECONDS!!!! So Asshole #1 couldn’t regain control of the car that was now absolutely OUT OF CONTROL on the road. Asshole #2 in the yellow Maserati slows down realizing that something not-so-bueno was going to happen and we all just watched like it was in slow motion. Red Lamborghini driver was so out of control at this point that his car started spinning around in circles up towards the bridge. He bounced off of one of the guard rails, kept spinning around and bounced off the opposite side guardrails and continued spinning until he went and hit the first set of guardrails again. Each time he bounced around like a pin ball, the car exploded a little bit more so that when it finally stopped, you couldn’t even recognize that it was a car any longer. While this happened in less than 20 seconds, it felt like we were sitting there watching for 20 minutes… it seriously was SLOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW MOOOOOOOOTTTTTTTTIIIIIIOOOOOONNNNNNN
Well Asshole #2 jumped out of his car and ran over to the car formerly known as Lamborghini so see if they were alive. The driver got out of the car and was shockingly worried about the air bag deploying and was trying to shove it back into the steering wheel (apparently he didn’t realize that there was some “minor” damage to the car OTHER THAN THE AIRBAG. While he was attending to this, the Maserati driver went over to the passenger side (which was the side that hit the guardrails over and over) and pulled out this….um…..I don’t know how else to say it…. So I’m just going to say it…… butt ass naked girl. Yes- I said butt ass naked. First of all, ummm WHY? Second of all, I’m sure that she shouldn’t have been yanked out of the car because she probably had every bone in her body broken at that point. So as he’s carrying Naked Girl out of the car- he’s got one arm under her legs and one under her arms (you know, like carrying her over the threshold) and starts walking towards all of us- parked, watching in amazement of this scene unfolding in front of us. Well, apparently he wasn’t the slightest worried about her lady bits being exposed because she was cooch shotting us the entire time and we were nice enough to have our headlight on- giving her the spotlight that she deserved. We got on the phone with 911 and told them what was going on and as we were explaining it, we were like, “OK one of the guys is getting a girl out of the car and he carrying her and….. she’s….. naked……What the fuck???” And the 911 Operator is like, “She’s naked? “ And we were like, “Yes. Naked. She’s naked.” And 911 Operator is like, “Why is she naked?” Really, lady? Why the hell would WE know why this chick is naked? Maybe the impact caused her clothes to fly off? And why is that important right now- SEND AN AMBULANCE!!! So Naked Girl gets dropped off on the side of the road (where she was a little to limp for my liking) and Asshole #2 runs over to help Asshole #1 “fix” the car. Ummm yes guys…. I’m pretty sure that is a lost cause. And I’m really hoping at this point that you signed up for the rental company’s insurance. Cuz if not, you are totally screwed. First you’ll be screwed by your wife who is probably sitting at home with your 3 kids feeding them dinner while you are in South Beach partying it up with naked hookers and renting cars that cost more money than you will ever make in your lifetime when you told her you were going to a tractor convention and having dinner in the hotel Applebee’s. And secondly, you are screwed 6 ways from Sunday with the luxury car company who now owns everything that you have, which would mean that double wide you just put a down payment on for you and your wife and three kids.
While all of this is happening, I start noticing a trickle of liquid flowing out of the car, slowly creeping down the bridge ramp towards my car…… At that point, I’m thinking that the Lamborghini is about to explode (literally this time) into a ball of fire and the stream of gasoline coming to my car is going to ignite and then cause my car to explode. So I did what any good Samaritan would do…. I gunned it the hell out of there!! Sorry for your stupidity boys, but mama needs to get home to make some stir-fry. And boy was that the best stir-fry that we’ve ever eaten!!