Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Nothing Tastes As Good As Skinny Feels

Ok first let me start off with a little disclaimer because I don't want any of your hate mail.  Well, actually I love love LOVE hate mail.   But before you go and judge me, understand this.  I feel that it is completely acceptable to make fun of a certain group of people as long as you have been or are a part of that group.  So for instance, I make fun of blondes.  I rag on band geeks.  I judge other dancers.  I also thoroughly enjoy making fun of fat people.  Because let's face it.  I too am a fatty.  I have not been "thin" since I was in the first grade.  It's a fact.  I haven't been in a single number sized pair of pants in probably 20 years.  I've always been the bigger girl out of all my groups of friends because I make them look better, so you're welcome.  While I'm not exactly OK with that,  I've grown used to it.  So with that being said- since I too am a fatty- I feel that I can make fun of other fatties.  Comprende?

If you haven't figured it out yet- I'm OBSESSED with Extreme Fatty Makeover.  I mean- how can you NOT be?  And seriously- if you aren't- you have NO IDEA what you are missing out on.  It's absolute television genius.  And last nights episode didn't fail to entertain me.  For the last couple of weeks, it's kind of been the same story- "Wah.  When I was a child someone touched me, therefore I'm fat now."  OMG.  Seriously.  So predictable.  I think even cutie trainer was getting sick of that excuse.   Others were pretty boring.  And, let's face it- nothing will ever compare to the smelly homeless guy screaming "Faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat Coooooooooooooooooooow" across the bridge at an earlier fatty.   (And yes, I am still using that as one of my main phrases throughout the day.  Especially when Mother Chucker and You're a Fucking Douchebag don't quite fit with the conversation).

I missed the beginning of this weeks show so I didn't hear the sappy story.  But I turned it on when cutie trainer was telling homeslice he was sending her to California to his clinic.  When she got there he did the whole, "You're soooooooo fat we need to weigh you on the dock where the mack truck scale is." thing and she came out in nothing but her sports bra and shorts.  Ok this is where I lost it.  I understand rolls and saggy skin and back fat (hello- like I said- I'm a fatty too!).  But this chick- good LORD.  All 445+ pounds of her made me vomit in my mouth a little.  Literally.  Up came a little bit of that strawberry ice cream I had just enjoyed while watching The Bachelorette.  Yes- ice cream, fuckers.  I watch a show about fatties and make fun of them all while eating ice cream.  At least I own it.  This double chin ain't goin no where. 

So yes- this 445 pound woman gets started on her first workout after weighing in.  And cutie trainer boy has her literally get down on the floor and stand back up as one of her main exercises.  And it was painful to watch.  She almost quit when he asked her to do 10 up and downs.  It's actually quite funny to me that I justify myself when watching these shows.  I say to myself, "Self.  You can totally do ups and downs."  or "Self, you can last longer than 10 minutes on the treadmill."  Like, my fattness is totally justified because I'm clearly not as fat as these people.  So its OK.  Or my legs aren't as big.  Or my belly doesn't hang as low.  Clearly- I have issues.  Which I will admit.  One of them is this little thing called laziness.  My other issue is too much good shit on TV.  That combo will be my downfall.  Mark my words. 

Anyway, back to the point.  My biggest issue with this show is that the person has specifically requested to be a part of this program.  They are not nominated for it.  They are at a point where they've acknowledged that they need help.  Which I totally applaud them for.  They are willingly putting themselves onto a TV show where they know that people me will make fun of them or judge them (uhhhhhhhh I have no idea why they would think that).  They are making a change.  BUT- then they go an fuck it up.  At some point throughout the year- they stop working out, stop answering hottie trainers calls, start chowing on the fast food again and ruin their chances for success.  They give up.  Life gets in the way, shit happens, ice cream tastes too good to pass up. I don't understand how this girl lost 100 pounds in 3 months.  Then quit and put back on 25 of those.  And not only did she do it that one time, at her weigh in after that she put on another 45 pounds.  WHAT?  How does one person GAIN 45 pounds in 3 months?  Imagine all that you have to eat to do that. 

I swear.  I'm going to write in to this trainer and ask him to work with me.  I know I'm no where near 445 pounds yet

I feel these people's pain.  I know the daily struggle.  I have an entire closet full of clothes and I can fit into about 1/16th of them.  I wear sweats anytime I am not in public because I am way more comfortable in them than fitted clothes.  I don't let friends take pictures of me for fear of them posting them on Facebook and you all laughing at how big I am.  Seriously.  I'm not kidding.  Because THAT'S what I DO. 

I won't make excuses for myself.  I am this size for two reasons and ONLY these two reasons.  One:  I LOVE food and eat a lot of it.  Two:  I don't exercise enough to burn the calories from the food I love so much.  Simple.  Facts.  Not excuses.  And at some point I will decide that I've had enough of my belly hanging over my pants and do something about it.  But so far, every morning after I sweat, trying on multiple changes of clothes, I have yet to decide that today is the day to make that change.   And this change won't be for me to become "thin" whatsoever.  It will be to become "healthy."  Because there are times when I wish I looked like that skinny girl over there and then there are times that I think that skinny girl over there is not healthy.  There is a big difference between being skinny and being healthy.  Right now the only thing healthy about me is my appetite.  HAHA. 

Just a little FYI:  The title to this blog is a quote from Kate Moss.  I hope you were as disgusted by it as I was. 

Here is one of my favorite artists and songs.  Hope you enjoy!

And again, if you are an absolute moron and didn't know- Girl With The Pink Toolbelt is now on Facebook. CLICK TO LIKE!

1 comment:

  1. You are absolutely hysterical and you didn't disappoint after all! But you are NOT a fatty. You just lost cred saying that. Thanks for the laugh like always!


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