Wednesday, August 31, 2011

You Can Ring My Bell...... Ring My Bell

Ok so I’m going to do a little bit of venting today. Shocking, I know. But I’m so aggravated.

I’ll start out with the fact that I don’t normally sit home all day waiting for my door bell to ring. But when I am home for some odd reason (especially during the week), my door bell rings about 10 times a day. On the weekends, it’s sporadic but I still get a few a month. I wouldn’t mind if it was all friends or dessert companies offering free samples. But it’s not.

And can I just say THANK GOD for peep holes? Because most of these door bell ringers are solicitors. I literally cringe when I hear the chime lately. Ask Wendy and Jon how long it takes me to open the door for them when they come to my house. I literally have to turn off the TV (or whatever electronics I have making noise at the time), tip toe over to the door, look through the peep hole, stare at the person for a good 30 seconds, slowly test the knob and locks on the door to ensure the person on the other side of the door can’t just walk right in and see me pretending to not be home before deciding whether or not it really is Wendy and Jon or just look-a-likes pretending to be them to get me to open the door. It’s rather time consuming and makes me feel ridiculous that I have to act that way in my own house. One that I pay a SHIT TON of money for each month.

However, lately I haven’t been so lucky to hide from them in my house and pretend that I’m not home. I’ve either been in my garage with the door up working on furniture or in my yard doing yard work. And you would think that they’d see me busy and leave me alone. Hmmm not so much. The other day a guy pulled up in front of my house and walked right up driveway as I was out watering my lawn and I was so annoyed and I’m sure I was giving him the Kristi Death Stare but he still approached me. Idiot. I finally spat out very rudely, “CAN I HELP YOU?” to which he responded by introducing himself as my new neighbor who just moved in across the street. Ya, fuck me. It’s even causing me to be rude to my new neighbors. So now I’m “that neighbor” who isn’t friendly to her neighbors. It had nothing to do with the fact that I told him to fix his sprinklers because they were soaking my mailbox (which in turn was soaking my mail). My bad. But had I not been approached numerous times on my property by solicitors, I probably wouldn’t have been so rude. Probably.

Well yesterday I got home from work, changed into cropped yoga sweats and a ratty t-shirt, threw my hair in a ponytail and grabbed my iPod and started mowing the lawn. Lo and behold- 30 minutes into mowing I notice a car parked in my driveway. I looked around and didn’t see anyone- then he appeared and started walking across my grass to talk to me. Seriously? Can you not see that I am busy? And what girl wants to talk to anyone all sweaty, dirty, and itchy from the grass? Not only that but I had my ear buds in as well. I just screamed LEAVE ME ALONE. So again, the Kristi Death Stare came out as he waved to me, trying to approach me, standing there waiting for me to mow towards him. For crying out loud. Little did he know but my iPod had died about 10 minutes before his arrival but I left them in to pretend like I couldn’t hear him. Well he didn’t leave. So after ignoring him and making about 4 passes back and forth, I finally went up to him (mower still going and pretend music still playing in my ears) and asked him, “What do you want?” I know- another reason why I’m single. I’m soooo approachable.

Well this guy wanted to sell me a security alarm. Of course he did. And he’d only take "10 seconds" of my time. Of course he would. FYI- Five minutes not including how long he stood there staring at me mowing, by the way. But he sure had to let me know how hard it was to finally reach me at home (chuckle chuckle- I’ve been home douche, I’ve just never answered the door when you rang). I actually found it humorous that I left the mower going so he was practically shouting at me so that I’d hear him over the noise. I told him that I wasn’t interested. But as you all know- those door-to-door salesmen don’t take no for an answer. So he goes into his scripted response about the safety issues and why I should have an alarm (nothing my parents haven’t already told me before buddy), how it’s really not that expensive when you think about it (It’s ONLY $40 a month), and wouldn’t I want that piece of mind? BLAH BLAH BLAH. All I would have to do is fill out the paperwork and they’d do a credit check on me and if I scored over 600, they’d even throw in the equipment for FREE. What? OMG it’d be free? Sign me the fuck up!

I told him that I was already looking into security companies and if he wanted to leave me information, I’d compare his company with the other major security companies and I’d decide if I wanted to sign up with them. But of course, he doesn’t have any information to leave. He’d need me to fill out HIS paperwork though, put all of my personal information down INCLUDING my social security number to be able to get more information from him. Ya, cuz I’m THAT dumb. How about I just put my signature right there on that line too while I’m at it? And my credit card number.  As I look over his shoulder at an out of state license plate and a car with no security company branding, I sarcastically oh-so-nicely ask him how many people actually hand over their information to a random guy with only a branded polo shirt and nothing else proving that they work for the company they say they do? He seemed stunned that I actually asked him that. He asked if I had time later where he could fully explain the contract, to which I said no that I was leaving right after mowing to go to dinner (lie). He asked if I’d be home tomorrow night to which I said that I had plans for that night as well (another lie- well I had plans to watch TV so not technically a lie). Still not taking the hint, he said, “Well, I’m always in the neighborhood, so I’ll just stop over each time I'm here until I get you at a more convenient time.” I actually laughed at that. I finally just said, “Look. I’ve tried being nice to you. I already told you I’m not interested. I’ve left my mower going for the last 5 minutes so that I didn’t have to hear your sales pitch. I’ve left my music on in my ear buds during your entire conversation. I have made it very clear that I have no interest in your product. Like I said earlier, if I wanted your product, I would research it and sign up on my own free will. I understand the safety concerns and peace of mind that I’d get having a security system. But the loaded gun that I have in my house seems to be doing me just fine. If someone would be stupid enough to enter my house without my permission, I will not hesitate to use the gun. And I can guarantee you that I wouldn’t miss as I go to the shooting range on a monthly basis. There’s my piece of mind and there’s not monthly access fee.”

Something I said must have finally made him realize that he wasn’t going to sell me anything. I wonder what that was??? So he told me to have a nice day and backed up slowly off of my property. As I continued mowing, I noticed him going to a house down the street to harass them. Poor schmucks.

Even though he was long gone from my house, of course my mower ran out of gas- which I totally blame him for. So I have a mullet lawn (business in the front, par-tayyyyyyy in the back!). Now I’m going to have to get all sweaty, dirty, and itchy again tonight. Which to some of you is just a regular Wednesday night. STD, whaaaaaaaaaaat??????????

Anyway, I have spent all day trying to contact my home owners association to complain about it and to see if we can get NO SOLICITING signs posted at our entrances. I’ve literally left like 8 messages on 8 different people’s voicemails. I’m annoyed as all hell. If I don’t get a call back by tomorrow, I’m going into the office and giving them a piece of my mind. I bet that they’ve LOVED me paying my entire year’s worth of HOA fees on January 1st the last 2 years. Well we will see if I do that again. They’ll get it mailed right on the due date and only for that quarter. Screw that. They better believe that I will be at the next meeting. And I will also complain about the damn dog shit that is in my yard as well.

Update:  after I wrote this blog I got home and started cooking dinner.  While cutting up veggies, my door bell rings.  One guess on who it was.  Seriously.  I'm not even kidding.  My next project will be a cute DIY "NO SOLICITING" sign to hang on my door.  Back the fuck off, fuckers.  And get a real job while you are at it. 

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