Sunday, July 15, 2012

My Humps... My Lovely Lady Lumps

I'ma get, get, get, get, you drunk,  Get you love drunk off my hump.  My hump, my hump, my hump.  My lovely lady lumps.  Check it out!

God- there's nothing like a little song about my big fat ass.  Wait- that's not about me?  Says who?  Are you asking yourself why I'm getting all Fergielicious on you?  Well.... check it out!

So it's been a running joke in my house for ever.  Can you see a different in the two couches below?  (Aside from the different brown pillows)

Do you see it?  They are the exact same couch, purchased and delivered at the same time.  One of them gets a little more wear than the other.  Can you see it yet?  Let me help you out.

Do you see it now? With a big black arrow pointing it out?  Well it's been like that since day one, I swear.  This couch is directly across from the TV so it's the one that I typically sit/lay on.  Even without the pillows, when I sit down the cushion automatically leans you to the crack.  It's like my butt is just drawn to it.  When I lay down my butt is positioned right in the crack so either way its a no win situation.  Poor cushions.

Well, I finally got sick and tired of the cushions looking like shit, like I have a cheap ass couch.  Which it's not, by the way.  Believe me, I paid for them.  So I yanked off the cushions to find that the manufacturer didn't fill the length of the cushion with each layer of padding.  The main foam cushion fits the entire thing.  But the batting and other smaller/thinner pieces don't run the length of the foam.  In fact they drop off about 5-6 inches short.  On both cushions.  Right where the two meet. So naturally when I sit, my left cheek is supported but my right one isn't.  So now my body is higher on the left, which means that I'm leaning to my right, right into the crack.  See, it's not my fat ass's fault!  It's designed wrong.

I took a picture to even prove it.  There are three layers to the photo below.  The top part which is whiter is the length of the foam.  Then there's a layer of thinner foam which hits below the seam of the white material where it starts to look yellow (see the roughly 2 inch difference in height??).  Then where my fingers are is the batting (which is roughly 3-4 inches below that!!!).

So from the end of the cushion (the top of this pic) to where my fingers are is about 6 inches but more importantly when it's flipped to be how the cushions sits on the couch it's a height difference of about 4 inches from the end of the cushion where it's just foam to where both the extra foam and batting are.  Flipping ridiculous.  Like they were using remnants and were like, "Well, this almost fits, let's use it."  Fuckers.  This pic you can see it (I flipped the cushion upside down because it came out better with how thin the end actually is compared to the rest of the cushion.  

I headed out today to Joann's with my 50% off coupon in hand to get some extra thick batting.  I picked up two yards and while I was there a wreath that I have LOVED LOVED LOVED but wasn't ever going to spend the $39.99 asking price for was marked down.  Guess how much it was marked down to?  It was a steal.  At $7!!  Yes- that's seven frickin dollars, bitches!!  In the cart that bad girl went! Score.  Here she is all pretty on my door just waiting for all of your approval.  

Just picture this wreath on the door and then two potted yellow mums flanking the garage on each side.  Gorg.  I can't wait for fall.  Anywhoo (Get it? Whoo?  The owl mat?  Just me?) back to the story.

I got home and laid out the batting and fit it to each cushion.

Then sweated my tittays off trying to squeeze it back into the cover.  OMG that was a bitch.  But I got it after only a few expletives were muttered.  Sorry neighbors.  But they are both plumped back up and looking brand new again.  Here is just one with new batting.  See the difference it makes?

And here are both of them.

Much better.  Now if the cushions sink, it really is because of my fat ass.  Although to be honest, I will miss snuggling in between them and falling into those back cushions.  It really was a comfortable spot to sit in.  But at least now my friends can stop making fun of me and my couch when they come over.

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