Thursday, November 22, 2012

Giving Thanks.....In My Own Sarcastic Way

Since today is Thanksgiving, I figured I'd totally go against the grain and do a "Things I'm Thankful For" List. Most people have been participating in the 30 Days of Thanks already on Facebook but that shit is too time consuming and I have an attention span of a 2 year old.  So you get this list.  Be thankful, bitches.  In random order, below are the things that I am thankful for this year:

  • Stretchy pants.  That I'm already wearing because mama had 2 plates of turkey, ham, mashed potatoes, corn, and cranberry sauce.  Two plates.  It was delicious.  And I won't regret it later on.  
  • For the Patriots being nationally televised tonight.  Two games in a row I get to see my future baby daddies in action.  
  • On the same note- for Mr. and Mrs. Gronkowski for birthing such a sexy and extremely articulate piece of ass.   Oh the things I fantasize about doing to him.  

{you're welcome ladies}
  • For the mute button so that I don't have to listen to the obnoxious Target holiday commercials.  Seriously every year- soooooooooo annoying.  
  • For my job and my co-workers and the paycheck it provides me twice a month.  I almost like it as much as my job at Dairy Queen in high school.  Which is really saying something because you all know how much I love ice cream.  
  • For my family and friends (and my friends families) for putting up with my douchiness on a daily basis.  And for pretending that I am funny when I'm probably not.  And for being there for me when I more than likely don't deserve it.    
  • For my awesome house and the comfort that it provides me- not only because of the furniture that I've selected for the inside of it.  But for the feeling I get when I pull into the garage, shut the door, strip down naked throughout the house on my way up the stairs to put on those stretchy pants then going back downstairs and throwing a blanket on me to watch television.  Complete comfort knowing that I can shut myself off from the world, close my blinds and just be a complete slob in something that is all mine.  Well, at least it will be in 27 years.  But that's just semantics.
  • For my ex best friend.  While I don't believe that I've ever mentioned her on this blog I do have to thank her.  Because if it wasn't for her, I wouldn't know the difference in her kind of friendship and what it really means to have best friends.  Ones who like you for who you are and not what they want you to be, who want nothing in return for their friendship, who are there for you without a hidden agenda, who don't use your past against you at any given moment to show how much better of a person they are than you, who don't see you or your job as an opportunity for themselves, who allow you to be friends with other people and don't ruin all of those relationships behind your back with lies because they are extremely possessive of you.  Shit- I could keep going but I think you get the point.   
  • For my health.  While I am obviously not the healthiest person around- I am fortunate enough that I wake up every morning breathing and don't have to suck down a handful of pills to get me through the day.  
  • For the man to has me smitten and smiling lately.  He's almost as filthy as I am.  Which is probably the first quality I look for in a man.  
  • For having the smarts to never ever participate in any Black Friday ridiculousness.  
  • For our troops who are putting their lives on the line as I type this bullshit list.  Who are missing their friends and family and a good home cooked meal every day they are not on US soil.  I'll post a titty shot later for you to show just how much I appreciate you.  Muah!
  • For the last 11 months of Facebook being Elf on the Shelf photo free.  Oh how I'm going to miss those 11 months for the next 33 days.  
  • For dirty texts in the middle of the workday that make me blush and forget what I was doing prior to receiving them.  
  • For appreciating life more and more every day and having a much more positive outlook on life in general.  Most of this is because I moved from FL, some of this is because I am now in IN.  But a lot of this is because I have finally learned to let shit go, to take a deep breath, and know that most shit in life doesn't really matter at the end of the day.  
  • For technology and social media for allowing me to stay in touch and get back in touch with so many people from around the country that I otherwise would have drifted apart from. 
  • For all of you who read my blog and comment and ask me when my next post is going to be because I've been slacking lately.  I appreciate you taking time out of your lives to read whatever sarcastic post  about meaningless crap I've written and for telling me about how one of my projects inspired you to do your own project (the Christmas Santa wreath is now in 6 other states that I know of!). 
  • For all of the things that I'm forgetting I'm thankful for right now.  
  • And last but not least, for stretchy pants.  Those two plates are starting to settle in. I may actually be rubbing my belly as I type one handed.  
Hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving with family and friends and that you also have a list of things to be thankful for this year. And on that note........

Love you!

P.S. Guess who just broke 10,000 page views BITCHES!!!  Thank you Craig (even though your wife called me a stupid whore)!!!

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