I HAVE A FENCE!!!!

Guys!  I have a fence!  Oh my god you don't even know what I'm feeling right now.  I HAVE A FENCE!  Man, this was a long time coming and a long, drawn out, bullshit process that I'm going to detail for you along with some pretty fence pictures at the end.  So if you want to read how my HOA is fucking terrible, continue on.  If not, just scroll to the bottom for pictures of MY NEW FENCE!!!! 

OK, so I'm going to start of with two things.  One- I don't like being told 'No' and two- I don't like not getting my way. 

Let that sink in.  If you can understand those two concepts, we'll get just along fine.  But if you can't, we'll have issues eventually.  Such is the case with my HOA, aka Demon Spawn. 

So I started this process for a fence last May.  As in a year ago, May.  Not last month.  I got the info from my HOA on what was needed to apply for a fence, then went to the Town for my permit.  When talking to the Town, I was told by this douche of a guy that I had to go straight back from the side of my house, which was unacceptable.  Hint- I'm being told no, I can't get the fence that I want.  I wasn't trying to pay $$$ for some small-ass fence when I have a HUUUUUUUGE yard on the side of my house.  I wasn't happy. 

Note- below is a picture of my plot plan.  I am on a "corner" lot- it's in quotes cuz I'll explain that later- and the majority of my land is on the side of my house.  The line that says SOD LINE is the line going from the back of the house.  Or the line just under and to the left of the red 120'. 

I'll explain the colors on the plot in a few- stay with me.  So after arguing with this Town guy about my plot and him telling me NO again and again, I decided I didn't want the fence and gave up.  

In comes Janie Jane last December.  Johndoe for the most part stays in the yard.  He's good like that.  Until Janie arrived.  And then he couldn't try to escape fast enough.  He ran into other neighbors yards, across the street, far enough that I couldn't see him.  Which also trained Miss Janie to do the same.  He knew he was in trouble when he came back, but she had no clue.  She just thought she ran this neighborhood and could go anywhere she wanted.  Ummm, no pup.  Ya can't.  I'd get so frustrated because they wouldn't come back when I yelled for them, almost getting hit by cars/school buses, running after people walking by or chasing after dogs who were getting walked.  Technically, if I don't have a fence, my dogs are to be leashed every time they go outside.  Um, yeah, that's not happening.  But they wouldn't listen to me for shit.  And I'd get pissed and mad and I'd sound like an asshole screaming at them outside and then I'd threaten to turn them over to animal control or to whomever the highest bidder was.  I hated them at times.  I mean, not really cuz they are cute and mine and all but damn, I really felt like I hated them.  So I started talking about the fence again.  

I emailed the douche from the Town and asked him what my requirements were again and got no answer.  I emailed 3 times, no answer.  So I called the Town and was like- What the fuck?  Can this asshole reply back to me?  The poor girl who answered was like- "Ummmm he no longer works here."  Well that explains it.  I mean, heaven forbid they put an out of office on his email- or maybe, forward it to the new person?  But who I am?  

Anyway- new guy calls me back.  Asks for my info again, says they don't have any of my records and can I resend what I sent the douche?  So I play sly and send over the original request for permit- utilizing the side yard to see what they say.  He calls me back and asks some questions and says- "Ummm yeah, you can go all the way to the sidewalk."  Ummmm WHAT???!!!???  Can you put that in writing?  Cuz I'm gonna put that fence up tomorrow if I can do that!  He tells me to come to the Town building and he'll draw it out on my plot plan, I'll need to go get an Easement Encroachment Agreement in order to put my fence on an easement and then come back and they'll sign off on it.  Boom- took me less than an hour and I have my permit.  Fucking awesome.  Easiest thing I ever had to deal with.  

I go to work and immediately fill out the form for my HOA, include all the pictures of what the fence will look like, type of fence, height, yada yada yada,  

I'll explain this- hopefully you understand it better than my HOA lady did.  Cuz she's dumb.  

So if you are looking at the front of my house- the left side I have a house next to me.  That side, I could do 6ft high.  So coming off of my house (the Town approved coming of the front corner) and going towards my neighbor to the property line and straight back would be 6ft high.  Then part of my back yard is already fenced in (it's written on the pic above EXISTING FENCE) so I was going to butt the side fence up to, but not connecting to, that existing fence.  I'd then butt the rest of the back portion up to the existing fence as 6ft until we get to the line where it meets straight back from the house on the right side.  The line I explained above- just under and to the left of the red 120'.  From there to the sidewalk it had to be 4ft, up the curve to the front of the house had to be 4ft and connecting across to the house had to be 4 ft.  So I had the left half of the house as 6ft and the right half at 4ft.  Per the Town.  Since I'm on a curve.  

Well I sent all of the documentation on April 17th.  The HOA lady replied back that it typically takes 7-10 business days for approval, but they have up to 30 to do so.  So I scheduled the fence install for May 18.  A month and a day.  

I don't hear anything until April 27- when she calls asking for clarification on the 4ft vs 6ft.  Oh and to tell me the the 6ft portion would need to be in wood and the 4ft portion would need to be in white or black PVC.  I think I snorted at her and told her to suck my left tit (all internally of course).  I wasn't having the left side as wood, the back as blue painted wood (existing fence) and the right side as white or black PVC.  That wouldn't look aesthetically pleasing to anyone.  So I'll stick with my original "all wood" request, thank you very much.  Shall I tell you again my second thing- I don't like not getting my way. 

So I send her a new color coded plot plan detailing where the two sizes would be and the area where the 6ft would transition down to the 4ft.  So basically we weren't going to have a 6ft panel go right next to a 4ft, we were going to angle a panel down in between the two, slanting or at a diagonal.  She says I'll hear back from her the next Monday or Tuesday.  Well I don't.  

The following Monday, I email asking for an update, since she said I'd hear back last week.  Heaven forbid, people do as they say.  She replied back the next day, May 8 asking for more clarification.  Specifically, what the height of the back neighbors fence is.  Ummm didn't they have to go through this same bullshit process I'm going through right now?  Don't you have their paperwork on file?  Shouldn't you KNOW the answer to that question already?  She also said that she needed to get approval from the "board" to have both a 4ft and 6ft in wood and that I wouldn't be able to use the side yard, I'd have to go straight back from the right side of the house.  Here we go again.  Me getting told no.  She said that the "side" yard is technically another "front" yard.  Ummmm say what?  Then she said on the left side, I'd have to go off of the back corner of the house- noted here in green.  The blue is the sidewalk.  

And I'll make a side note here for all of you wondering.  I was so goddamn nice throughout this entire process.  The Old Kristi, aka Kristibitch, would have cussed this lady out 10 times over but not this Kristi.  Look- I deal with pissy people all day long.  ALL DAY LONG.  And I have a rule with them.  Ask me nicely for help and you get nice Kristi.  Come up bitching, screaming, have an attitude- and you get the least amount of help possible, that probably isn't even considered to be help at that point.  I know that this lady fully expects to be screamed at by me every time she calls- and she called me the majority of times.  But I was super nice- cuz I wanted something from her.  See how this works?  Nice Kristi is gonna get her way.  Bitchy Kristi will not.  At last that was my hope.  

OK so back to the bullshit process.  I ask her to make an exception for me- cuz there's always an exception to the rule, right?  She calls me on 5/11 telling me no, have to come straight back from the right side of the house.  So I'm shitty- internally.  But super nice about it- telling her I'll think about it but realistically I'm probably not going to continue with this process cuz my dogs will be chasing each other in circles in my teeny tiny fenced yard.  Oh and that size yard isn't worth me spending a ridiculous amount of money on.  

So with that news, and having a shit time at work, and the dogs not listening to me, to say I was frustrated is an understatement.  Over the weekend, I about had a nervous breakdown in my garage because I couldn't find the gas can for the lawn mower.  Not even kidding.  I was literally crying in my garage on the floor.  Everything hit me all at once.  It was awful.  I decided to drive around that Saturday to calm down and while I was going out of my neighborhood, I saw at least 10 houses, on corner lots, that had violations from what she was telling me I had to do.  This definitely didn't "calm me down."  So of course, I took pictures of them all.  Fourteen pictures in total and that wasn't even me going through every street.  I'm sure I could find a lot more if I put my mind to it.  So on 5/14 I emailed her with my list of frustrations- all while being super nice and attached the photos.  I asked her why I wasn't informed of this when I bought this lot- that I bought specifically because of the side yard.  That on the architectural drawing from my closings, they state SIDE YARD, not front yard.  That there is no documentation in our bylaws stating that a house on the corner is considered to have 2 front lawns.  There is nothing specifying corner lots at all, anywhere.  So why did all of these other houses on corner lots get approval for a fence like I wanted to have, but I couldn't?  I also tell her that I'm willing to compromise, if it'll get me approval.  Instead of going out 45ft, let me at least go out two 8ft panels, so 16ft.  Work with me here.  Me = being nice.  

The next day she sends me an email defining a corner lot and attached a drawing that comes directly from the Town.  See below.  

Now, does that look like my property?  That's two intersecting streets, at a 90 degree angle.  Looks nothing like what my plot looks like.  When she sends me this, she says she'll go to the Review Board and ask for a variance for me, but "just because the Town approves it, doesn't mean the HOA will approve it."  She says this because every time I talk to her, I remind her the Town permitted me going out to the sidewalk and I was actually going to come 6ft off of the sidewalk.  Then she has the NERVE the next day to send me an email saying the community management company would LOVE it if I gave them a Google review.  Are you fucking serious right now?  I'm literally 2 days from my install date and I'm still getting dicked around and you want me to tell other people how AWESOME you are?  Ummm go fuck yourself.  Approve my fence, bitch and I'll maybe MAYBE scream your name from the rooftop.  But lets be honest, they are getting a scathing review.  

So I walk the property on the 15th so see what type of compromise I'd be willing to do.  While I am out there, I noticed the side yard houses had the same street mailboxes that I had. Wait. A. Minute.  So see the red X below.  

At that red X there is a pole with two street signs.  My street and Street B.  I've always pulled into my garage, looked at that sign, and assumed the houses past that were a different street.  Well, they weren't.  They were the same street that I am on.  I have no idea why that street sign is there.  But those houses are on the same street as me.  Which means- I'm not on a corner lot, I'm on a bend in the road.  No kidding, I literally jumped up and down in my yard screaming "I've won!"  Cuz I finally think I've won the battle.  I rush inside to send her an email letting her know that based on the info she provided me and the attached diagram, a corner lot looks to be on intersecting streets and that is not the case with my property.  I am on a bend in the road, as the houses on the front side of my house and on the side of my house are all on the same street.  I believe this is why the Town approved going out to the sidewalk on the bend side, since my property doesn't violate their own guidelines that you've listed.  I asked her if she could define what a corner lot is since I truly believe that I am not on a corner lot based on her info.  

She replied that the reason they prohibit fences on the 'side yard' (her words- even though she's been adamant this entire time it's a 'front' yard) on a corner is to maintain sight visibility, that it's dangerous to block the view of drivers and/or pedestrians.  I mean, I measured from the street and the fence was to be 21ft in from it.  If some jackass is staring 21 ft to their right while driving- and that my fence would be an obstruction, they shouldn't be freaking driving!  But maybe the neighbors who park their car ON THE STREET on the bend should be informed of this.  Because I can't tell you how many times cars going around the bend have had to go into the opposite lane to avoid a parked car and almost got hit by an oncoming vehicle.  How about you tell those people not to park there? 

At this point I feel like I have won.  It goes a week and I don't hear anything from her.  Not a peep.  I picture her with "the board" sitting around a table saying, "Fuck, We thought we had her.  But she figured it out."  Then trying to find another bullshit excuse to tell me no.   She basically replies a non-answer and say she needs a few more things from me before she can send for a variance.  These things are simple- like am I going to stain or paint the fence, an illustration of the "slope" from the 6ft panel to the 4ft panel (are you kidding me?), asked if the other back yard neighbor has a fence (again, shouldn't you already have this information?), and could I get a letter of approval from my neighbors with the existing fence, allowing me to connect to their fence?  This is where shit hits the fan.  

So I have talked to the husband a few times.  I can't stand this family.  Their kids literally called my friends and I assholes one night.  Then the mom thought it was funny and her consistently drunk ass continued to scream over the fence at us, "Hi, Assholes!"  "Hey, Assholes" all summer long.  She found it hilarious.  I found it fucking obnoxious.  I said at one point if she called me an Asshole again, I was calling her the C-word.  Like, Hey, Cunt, how are you?  Anyway, I had talked to the guy about getting a fence and he was super cool about it.  Yeah, no problem, whatever.  Now, their fence is broken.  They have broken posts all along the back and their fence is starting to sag into my back yard and my next door neighbors back yard.  It's been like this for a few years now.  Haven't fixed it.  Here are two shots, one from each side.  

Now the majority of the broken fence isn't on my side but there are still broken posts there.  Well when the fence company came out, I said I'd talk to the neighbors and see if they wanted to get it fixed while they were there doing my fence.  The fence company said it'd be about $100 a post, but he'd discount it as the number of broken posts increased.  So I told the husband.  OK cool.  

So HOA lady asks me to get approval from back neighbors to "connect" to their fence.  I tell her I'm not connecting, just butting up to them, and she says I still need their permission.  So knowing I have already talked to them, I don't see a problem with this.  That night I see the wife outside.  I holler over to her and tell her I need this and would she mind writing something up for me to send to the HOA?  Sure, she says.  Give me your email and I'll have my husband do it, he's much better with words.  Well OK.  Didn't think paragraphs were needed, but sure.  So two days go by.  She has now texted me like we are friends, asking for Reynolds wrap, telling me she's making tacos, she's bringing her daughter to gymnastics..... none of which are my letter of approval.  So I text her asking for it again.  Her response, Oh did my husband not send it to you?  Stupid men.  (palm on forehead emoji).  I'll get him to send it over now.  Annnnnd nothing from husband.  I wait another couple of days.  I text her again.  Her response, Oh my god.  He still hasn't sent it?  I swear, men!  Ugh.  I'll call him right now.  

What do you think happens?  If you thought- no response- DING DING DING.  So now I go from thinking it's something like he got busy, to I'm getting played.  And mama doesn't like that feeling at all.  Well I'm now into 5 or 6 days from when we originally asked them, another week has gone by without approval, all for a damn letter of permission to connect to a damn fence that I'm not connecting to.  Well I get pissed and I call her.  Of course she doesn't answer so I leave her a message- something to the point of "Look, I am waiting on this from you.  Can you please send it over?"  No response.  So I text her same thing.  Her husbands calls back.  This is how the convo goes, in my opinion at least.  "Hey Girl, It's Husband.  So Wife told me you want a letter from us approving you connecting to our fence.  Well, here's the deal.  We're saving you a ton of money by allowing you to use our fence.  So I think you should pay for our broken fence and then I'll send you this letter allowing you to connect to our fence."

Are you fucking kidding me?  These dicks have had this fence for about 7 years, it's been broken for about 3 years, never asked me if they could put their fence on the property line, never asked when they put if up if I wanted to go in halves with them on the portion that is on my side of the yard and NOW they want me to pay for it to be fixed?  So basically blackmailing me into paying for it or they won't write me that letter.  I told you these people are assholes.    Let me tell you- it took everything I had in me to not walk over to their fucking front door and show them where they could put their fucking letter.  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  

So back to the HOA lady I go.  Adamant that I will NOT be connecting to their fence and if I have to run my fence along the entire length of my back yard, side by side theirs, I will- if that'll get me approved quicker.  Cuz at this point I'm beyond frustrated and pissed off with this process.  I don't even care if she took offense to that.  This was bullshit.  

Well I don't hear from her all the rest of that week and into the next.  

Queue Memorial Day weekend.  Well past the original install date of 5/18- that I had to cancel, I might add.  My other back yard neighbors yard is quite possibly the worst yard I've ever seen.  There were at least 2 feet of weeds growing in her entire back yard and that's not an exaggeration.  Her entire yard is weeds.  And her screen door is broken and hanging off the hinges at an angle.  She's got tipped over flower pots, weeds growing up the back side of the house.  I won't even get into what her front flower beds look like.  But those I don't see, it's her back yard I'm staring at while I'm trying to relax and enjoy my evenings.  It's disgusting.  So all of Memorial Day weekend I'm fuming.  The dogs are running around the neighbors yard.  I'm pissed.  PISSED.  Because I should already have a fence by now and I wouldn't be dealing with any of this if that were the case.  PISSED!  

I get back to work on Tuesday, sending another email to HOA lady.  This time, not so nice.  Sent along photos of the weed yard I stared at all weekend long, asking her if she or anyone on the board would have liked to look at that atrociousness while entertaining friends over the weekend.  That I was EMBARRASSED to have guests over.  Is that what the HOA considers acceptable but improving my property with a Town approved fence isn't?  I told her I expect an answer by Friday from the board and if I don't have it, I'll assume I'm approved for my original application and will schedule the fence company to install.  Well..... Friday comes and goes.  Go figure.  No response.  

On Monday I have the fence guy out to re-measure, coming off the back of the left side of the house (I compromised here) and then coming 10ft off of the sidewalk, compromising from the original 6ft we planned.  We get the quote and get on their schedule for June 23rd.  Three more weeks.  UGH.  Didn't hear anything from HOA lady on Monday.  Tuesday, she emails me a new diagram, the boards "compromise"- shown below.  

Do you see the green lines and foot notations?  Now mind you, the red curved line is where we originally requested to go out to.  So they definitely compromised.  Because it's way better than going straight back from the right side of the house.  WAY BETTER.  So that night, I go out to measure 20ft from the garage and 55ft from the line from the back of the house.  I do not get this perfect green curve like they had shown on the diagram.  WTF.  So is it where the actual curve is drawn or of the footage that is written?  Jesus Christ, back to the HOA lady I go for clarification.  Just when I thought I was done with this process.  Oh, and you thought I was joking on having to explain the 4ft versus 6ft areas?  I had to color code it for her dumb ass.  Blue for 6ft and pink for 4ft.  My word.  

I ask her to clarify- is it the actual foot notations I am going off of or is it the line that has 25 written on it from the original document?  She said I have to be 25ft off of the sidewalk.  So I measure that and am like, fuck it, I'll go with it.  Whatever at this point, right?  I got SOMETHING of a side yard approved.  So I reply back to her, thanking her, saying I'll make sure the fence is 25ft from the sidewalk.  She immediately replies back, "No.  Not the sidewalk.  The curb, essentially the street."  So now I'm totally fucking confused.  But the sidewalk is closer than the street so if she told me street in writing, I'm going with street.  I gained another 8 feet.  When we measured 25ft off of the curb on the street, we were 13ft in from the sidewalk.  Do you remember what my compromise was?  Going from 6ft to 10ft?  She fucking didn't approve me for 3 goddamn feet for another 2 damn weeks?  I mean, I'm just laughing.  Belly giggling, that this bitch has literally put me through the most ridiculous bullshit for 3 feet.  I literally want to PUNCH HER IN THE FACE.  So she had said if this was OK with me, to redo the plot plan with the new measurements and she'd get me approval that day.  I jumped for joy in my office, sent over the updated plot plan and waited at my computer for her email.  Which I got about 20 minutes later.  Approved!!!!!........with contingencies.  You've got to be joking.  

I look at the contingency- must be 2ft off of the back of the property line.  Ummmmmm what?  Dafuk?  Excuse me?  NO.  NOPE.  NOT HAPPENING.  I emailed her immediately back.  And now Kristbitch comes out.  I'm beyond pissed off, and at this point, I don't care because I have my approval from them.  I ask her where that 2ft rule comes into play- since for the last 2 fucking months, no where has it EVER been discussed that I have to be 2ft off of my property line.  Is this because the asshole back neighbors told you they didn't approve of my using their portion of the fence?  A fence that has been broken for YEARS and they haven't received a violation letter to get it fixed.  Does everyone who is adding a fence to an existing fence on their property line having to be 2ft off of it?  Cuz I sure as shit can send you 50 photos of fences where that is NOT the case.  So why I am being treated differently here?  Is it because they tried to blackmail me into paying for their broken fence and I said no?  I was PISSED!!!!!  

So she nicely responded that it was so that they could do maintenance on their fence, if needed.  I asked her- so they'd need to come two feet onto MY PROPERTY to do their maintenance?  Then if that was the case, they shouldn't have been allowed to put their fence on the property line, they (and everyone else for that matter) should have to be 2 ft back.  Because these assholes aren't stepping foot onto my property to fix their fence.  And to be honest, his fat ass couldn't squeeze between both fences if it was 2ft apart.  If no one else has had to be 2ft off, them I sure as shit will not be either.  So she replied, FINE, you don't have to be 2ft off, but you CANNOT TOUCH THEIR FENCE.  Did I tell you Wife told me she and the HOA lady were friends?  Go figure.  

Well this past Saturday was fence install day.  I got my way- all but 3 feet, which is a huge WIN if I say so.  The lovely gentlemen got here around 9:20am and were done around 4pm.  The fence looked so damn good.  I was giddy with excitement.  

I had the genius idea- for the workers to put the dirt on top of garbage bags so I'd be able to carry it, versus having to shovel it all up myself.  They obliged.  It made it so much easier, especially since I had about 40 posts that I would have had to shovel.  Instead, I just had to lift REALLY HEAVY bags of dirt.  Not fun.  But I didn't want to leave them on the grass to kill it so I needed to do something with it quickly.  But that's a post for another day. 

So anyway- the workers are about done, only have the gate on the curve side of the road left and out of the corner of my eye I see husband barrel-assing his way around the corner and down towards me. Well husband asks (screams if more like it), "What happened to you needing a letter from me approving to connect to my fence?"  I'll describe his tone as "not so nice."  I answer said I got approval from the HOA without his letter.  So husband asks- "And you think you are just going to use my fence without my permission?"   So I says- yeah, I mean, it's on the property line and I'm not connected to it.  So husband says- "And you think that's the neighborly thing to do?  To use 43ft of my fence and not pay for it?"  So I jump in and tell him- "Look, dick (j/k) in all honestly, I was planning to pay for two of your broken fence posts and even had it included in our estimate from the fence company.  But I didn't appreciate how you handled this situation at all so I decided I wasn't going to be "neighborly" and pay for it any longer."  Basically, by you being an asshole, you LOST on me paying for your broken fence.  If you'd have just kept your damn mouth shut, your fence would be fixed right now- at least the side that is connected to my property line.  But no, you had to go and show your true selves during this process and you got fucked over.  I win, you lose.  

So husband says- "I'm gonna find a way to recoup my money for that 43 feet of fence you are using."  Dude.  Go home.  Just go home.  

So eventually I'm assuming I'll be hearing more about this.  But this fucker isn't going to ruin my excitement over this fence.  I love it!  The pups love it!  It's awesome!  Well worth going broke over!